I’m one of those people that gets excited by New Years. A fresh start, a do-over an opportunity to have “the best year yet”. But we’re fast approaching July and I have to say this is definitely not a good year. I mean obvious global pandemic aside that is…
I’m a list girl, I live for to-do lists and always have and always will buy Filofaxes and diaries that never get used. The trouble is, it starts to get toxic when the to-do lists become less about getting your washing done and more about fundamental life goals that you have to keep moving the goalposts for. Every year since I was 21, I’ve said I’ll finally get back to a size 12, get a dream job, buy a house, get married and have a baby all by thirty. So now I’m nearly at that age and nothing has been ticked off, how do I deal with that? How do I keep moving forward when I’ve already failed at everything I thought I’d be by now? How do I stay positive when it feels like I’m getting knock back after knock back and everyone around me is succeeding? Don’t I deserve that too? Have I not paid my dues? I’m tired of carrying around this feeling like I’m failing at everything I do and, I know that I am literally the only person that can change that feeling but boy…that’s life right? Or perhaps not.
I know what you are probably thinking. I sound like a whiney pessimist and you know what, you’re probably right. No one ever got anything by solely moaning about it. You have to go out there, try your hardest and if you fail pick yourself up and try again. Cool, totally, gotcha but just one thing… I can not be the only one who sees other people who are just winning at life with bare minimum effort! It may be today’s Insta-filtered society but as I get older I am more acutely aware of the stark reality that life is just made up of winners and losers, no matter what. If you’re thinking I’m just sounding bitter or jealous…you’d be absolutely right. Today I feel both those things, tomorrow does not look good either.
I don’t want anyone to fail or struggle or suffer, and I know I have my own privileges in life, I want us all to win. If you’re fundamentally a good person, you deserve all the happiness and success in the world. But as I sit here, after another shitty day of disappointing events, I’m really starting to believe that my life is vastly becoming the example happy people have of ‘how not to end up’. Having said that, and this may come as a shock so prepare yourselves…those closest to me tend to come to me for advice on life woes. I like to think it’s because I come across as wise and worldly but I’m not really sure anymore. Maybe I’m just really good at faking it. I’m going to leave a quote here, just incase anybody reading can relate as much as I did when I heard it last week:
When I was younger I was so afraid to put myself out there for love, that I just followed all of my friends around like I was a pilot fish. I would make them laugh, I would find the best parties to go to and I would always comfort them when their hearts were broken. But you know what nobody ever knew? My heart was constantly broken. Constantly. You could search the entire universe and never find a human being more worthy of love than yourself.Isn’t it Romantic, 2019
Please, please tell me I am not alone in this feeling. This too shall pass? Starting to feel like todays emotions are not quite in line with my Blog name. 29 and Definitely Not Fine.